Say Hello To Joshua For Me

A few days ago I offered to take my mother in law in from a nursing home to live out her last days with us. The suggestion seemed automatic and almost took me off guard. My husband seemed surprised and a few people were less than tactful about how crazy I was. Needless to say, they have shrunk to acquaintances on my list. The days since she came have been more exhausting that I expected, my torn ACL is making it so bad that I actually have had to crawl up and down the stairs to help her and I began wondering if this was the best place for her. I was not successful at getting her pain under control and her screams were to loud for the kids and neighbors. Last night I was at my wits end and as I fell asleep I was asking God why I did this anyway. I know the usual answers, that it is directly related to what Tom did for me after Joshua, but there has to be more.


This morning I awoke feeling better. The knee is terribly painful, but my spirits were up and I began to really work on being positive and looking for the gifts that were in store for me. They came tonight.

Most of the day was spent peacefully for Claire. I upped the morphine and the patches must be working on her back to give her constant care. I brushed her hair, filed her nails a bit more and she was washed down by a wonderful home health aid. After a few hours of rest I went back downstairs with my Bible and sat on a stool near her. The bible is not something I have touched since Joshua died, however it was to read to her and I surely could do that. "Claire may I read to you from the Bible"?, "I know that you have always loved church and I would like to read to you". She nodded with eyes half open. I went directly to the Psalms, a book of joyous poems, praises and less heavy on the fire and brimstone than I felt she would need.  So I read and from what I have learned, she listened. Then I talked to her about heaven and told her that her mom and dad are waiting to see her and missed her all this time! And that Jesus was waiting with open arms to see her. She began to ask over and over "why are you telling me this"? I sang a round of Jesus love me (you) and then asked Claire if I could pray with her. It brought me back to the days in the nursing home when I knew someone was about to pass and I would pray with them.....It was definitely against the rules.

Dear Lord,

Please take Claire’s pain away and be merciful to her now in her last hours. Ready the wings of angels to take her swiftly into the arms of her Father. Help those of us who love her to let her go and know that she is in a better place without pain. Thank you for showing me favor as you chose me for the honor of taking care of Claire in these last hours. Now please be with us all as we ready ourselves for this journey into the unknown and make Claire certain that it is ok if she allows herself to let go.

Amen

As I spoke the words Amen, I was suddenly surrounded by God. I felt a lightness and intensity. I was unable to catch my breath and I knew I was in the presence of holiness. I could feel nothing but my son. I lifted my eyes up to the heavens and waited as if to see him and to feel the heavens open up and take me. I spoke to Joshua, he spoke to me. He told me how proud of me he was. I told him I was sending him a gift that I took care of, sang to, and loved the best I could as a message to his honor. He got it! He knew. As much as Tom matters, as much as Claire matters, I have to wonder if part of me was hoping that by caring for her, by holding her hand and giving her water, if I wasn't writing to my son a love letter through her. She will be in my home and after that she will be near my son, near my God....and again I will have had a fleeting moment, before I hear "it is not your time" and I am left here. But for now when someone asks me why I am doing this.....It is to be that much closer when the heavens open and the light shines down and her spirit is lifted. Maybe, just maybe I will catch a glimpse into heaven, and maybe just maybe I might see Joshua once again.

Claire Pool was a wonderful woman, who loved horses and church and singing. She loved Tommy with her entire heart and did her very best to care for him with that which she was able. She sat in church all of her life and loved God and He loved her back. Please say a prayer for the Tom this night as he says goodbye to her.

~Blessings

The Joshua Tree

Last night I decided to look on the Chicken Soup For The Soul’s web page to see If there was anything new and if the upcoming books had the book our story is in. Much to my surprise Chicken Soup For The Soul Grieving and Recovery is in book form and as I looked all I could see what this big beautiful tree on the cover. A tree just like the one that has been saving my life, sheltering me and taking care of Joshua since he left me. With that a sure of tears poured out of me as I decided that this tree is also our tree. As I stared at the cover what seemed a moment, but was truly hours. I began to imagine Joshua tucked within these pages, how his memory will rest gently on the shelves of bookcases and at bookstores and how honored he would be to know that mommy did this.



Chicken Soup may have no idea the impact the cover has had on me. As I read through the many years of books they have published I realize just how small Joshua and I are, in the realm of pain and how large we are in the realm of blessings. I doubt they decided that would be the Joshua Tree, but I do know that when I am called to write or do most anything in my life that is not controlled by me, angels always appear later to let me know it was intended. I have received such a gift in being allowed to rest my son on these pages. There is nothing harder for a mother who has lost a child, than to constantly think he might be forgotten. I often find myself testing my memories to make sure I stay sharp and keep all of him.



The book is scheduled for release on Feb 1st. I have to keep forgetting about it in order to let the time pass. I can feel the pages already in my hands. I can taste the tears and I can see myself sitting with him at the cemetery reading it to him and hoping he likes it. Under the Joshua Tree.



~~~Love,

Joshua’s Mommy

Life and Death

After losing Joshua, the phases of grief and gifts have been unexpected and scary. I seem to move through the stages (fear and anger the most) and have also made up a few of my own. I am amazed at how almost 6 years later; his death is affecting me like it occurred yesterday.




Last night as I cuddled up in bed in front of the first fire of the season, I read over many Chicken Soup Books in search of the few that I know my Aunt Jackie has written in. I knew my Great Grandmother and Great Grandfather were in those pages. The realization of how many people I have lost, and how many stories they have taken with them has truly become a passion of mine recently. My grandmother must feel like she is being interviewed each time I am around her. “Grammy what is your favorite color”, “What is one of your favorite sayings”. She smiled and tried to recall. Joshua taught me so much! I fully intend to take the lessons learned.



Blessings

Amanda

NEVER

Have you seen my son? I cannot find him. I looked to the trees where I last knew he was and could not see him there. I climbed to the top and looked to the skies and they were void of a child, my child.




I thought I might retrace his steps the last day I knew of him. The places he went, the people he saw and even the things he had to eat, but many of these places are locked away from me. So I could not find him there.



I did indeed talk to those he loved. There are three I know. They come to see me, and they come to sit while with him. There stories bring me closer, but as quickly as my heart recalls my baby boy, the story ends and I am lost again.



I sit all day long with his body a body that by now must be fading into the ground. We talk. I talk mostly. I supposed maybe he’d like to talk but cant. I rock back and forth like I did all the days of his life and I can almost hear him say “mommy”. He only called me mommy, not mom, not mother. Mommy!



I sing him the songs we sang. But the little noises he used to make as he tried to mimic me are gone in the wind.



I barter with God a God who turned his back on me. I beg him and plead with him for just one more moment with my son. But he never even acknowledges me. I pledge myself to him; I barter and beg with anyone who might help me. Nothing happens.



I write until I cannot write anymore, until the words fall of the edges of the page and until my hands and my heart are to fatigue to continue. I write to him, about him, I write my pain and my joy. I write my devotion.



I cannot find him in anything that might linger and make me feel better. I will never hear him speak or sing again, I will never feel his arms around me again, I will never place my hands in his long curly black hair or hold him again. NEVER. My heart does not accept this and my mind understands it all to well.



NEVER AGAIN.

Who would you be today?

Joshua was born September 6th 1989. In 7 days he would have been 21 years old. I imagine things would be better for him. He might have successfully moved through the more awkward stages of life, healed his wounds by giving others time to make things up to him and start finding his terrific strength. I imagine a girl would love him, I imagine he would have a car (likely his first and so not a great car), maybe he would have settled into one hair style and maybe he would have stopped making such a point of not fitting in. He would have likely begun to own himself, own his thoughts, own his life and I am certain he would still be calling me mommy. He didn’t like cake. Not sure what I would put 21 candles on. In fact he didn’t like sweets very much at all. He would still be a dry comedian in love with puns and making connections that I never would have made. He wouldn’t be any taller than last I saw him. He might have gotten rid of the facial hair and certainly his beard would no longer be red, from the time he and Jamie died it in the bathroom in NH.




I am certain that he would still have a bigger heart than he knew what to do with, but by now he might have learned that it was ok to love to much, care to much, hold on to tight and feel more than most. He might have accepted that he had his mother’s heart and learned how to make it work for him. I can imagine he and Tom still hanging out like they used to and making me both nervous and embarrassed ALL THE TIME. He would be alive to see that I did exactly what he asked me to do and married Tom before he got away!!! He certainly would still be the protective oldest brother, maybe even more so at 21.



Instead he lies in a grave for his 21st birthday. His body trapped in a dark hole where I cannot get to him and hold him and kiss him. Instead I get to imagine him instead of hug and sing to him. Happy Birthday my Joshua, I will make a wish this year for both of us!



Mommy

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery

Logo From Chicken Soup Website

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery



The past few weeks have been amazingly busy. Lyme Meningitis turns out to be the tragedy of the month. I now understand way more than I wish I did about symptoms, reoccurrence and the politics of the disease with its infighting among doctors. It is nothing less than a scary place to be! Annabelle has decided to turn it around and have lemonade stands to help the cause. Joshua’s death taught us all to turn our pain outward and help others. It feels so good.


In the midst of the Anniversary of Joshua’s Death, his upcoming 21st Birthday and many other things swirling around my life, I hoped to get a story published in Chicken Soups upcoming book on grief and loss. From my research this is no simple task and the more I researched about the odds, the less I thought I had a chance. I am a closet writer, who has very little confidence when it comes to sending out my works. Some days I sat and wrote in tears, some day’s I wrote and screamed at my son for leaving me and other days I simply could not pick up the pen. In looking back I must have looked like Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give. My goal was to continue my sons legacy and tell his story, while letting others know they are not alone. It was daunting, exhausting and gut wrenching. I sent it and emmediatly forgot about it. That was going to be the only way to NOT check my email every day. For years I wrote, and was far to attached and worried about the rejection to send things. How then was I able to send out a work about my son’s death, and not be so attached to it that I would be devastated if it was not chosen. I just don’t know who I managed it.

2 Days ago the email came. It was from Chicken Soup and when my eyes saw “PERMISSION” in the headline I jumped up from my desk and sobbed. My daughters ran to me hugging me and asking me what was wrong. They then went in and checked the email, I simply could not read on. Danielle came back in jumping up and down and saying “they want it” “they want The Joshua Tree, Mommy”. They call me mommy just like Josh did up until he died. I love it. I finally made it back to the email, they want my permission to print and the money I earn for the story will go right back into next years walk for suicide!!!! They also give out 10 free books and I am so excited. Joshua was on this earth for far to short a time, that story will not live on in the pages of a book and help keep him alive.

Last night I fell asleep holding his jacket for a time. Thanking him for watching over me and my dreams. Sometimes the reality strikes me when grief will allow. I cried myself to sleep, loving him and loving his memories.

For all of you on the Life Is A Highway FB page, my family husband and children. This was not possible without you picking me back up and brushing me off with encouragement. The book comes out in Feb of 2011. Pick up a copy and know that within that with my story are your efforts for those you loved and lost.

Thank You
Blessings,
Joshua’s Mom

Thoughts for the future.

After the walk in Boston for suicide prevention there was a little let down for me. I had built up so much excitement and felt like I was doing something for my son again. I am now having a hard time figuring out which direction to head. Foundations, charities, speaking, writing, grief counselor training and working with the schools in my area ALL seem like great ideas. I am also working on a book although I have little confidence in my writing. Often I like to wait until I find the direction that I am lead to be in. It is a test in patience, but for the most part is usually spot on. My passion is for teens, struggling with the difficulties of depression and the new hormones that are confusing there bodies. I made business cards for the FaceBook page in order to try to get fans and awareness and I have submitted 2 stories to Chicken Soup and yet I feel empty. What is my purpose? I can do anything I put my mind to, but which direction would honor Joshua the most? I am trying to honor my confusion, but I am lost as to where to put my time and energy. Also something in the back of my mind says “Amanda what if you have a purpose, what if you start a foundation, does this mean it was part of the plan and that you are fulfilling Joshua’s death”, that thought makes me stop in my tracks. I refuse continue this work and keep his memory alive if it serves the purpose for his death.

Another personal struggle that rages inside of me and makes life awful, is finding people petty. It is a problem for many of us who have lost someone to suicide. I understand that logically you can not give everyone your prospective! However going out into the world and listening to people be complain, gripe and otherwise not realize how good they have it, bothers me immensely. I have found myself unable to not confront people treating there children badly! It’s not so much that we judge, it’s more that we wish. We wish for one last moment with our loved one or child. We regret each time they were yelled at or not listened to, we would give anything to wrap our arms around them, and so you who scream and swear at your children, you who do not listen to them or try to understand them, you who do not cuddle them or hug them or look into there eyes, YOU ARE ASSUMING YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THEM TO MISTREAT! And I would be more than happy to take them off your hands.

For the past week I have been in hospitals all over the state with my daughter Annabelle and her newly found Lyme disease. I am exhausted from all that this life has in store and I am wondering when I might just get a break from heartbreak. I have loved God since I was little and writing letters to him, and yet he and the many churches set out to follow him seem to be nothing like the sweet things I learned as a child. I hope to understand better and find my way back someday.

If you are reading this blog and are not a fan of the LIFE IS A HIGHWAY page, please consider hitting the like button to the right of the entries. It is the best way I know to raise awareness.

Blessings,
Amanda