47 Nottingham Rd. Raymond NH.

Remember Happy?




This summer has been another “season” for hurdles Joshua’s death has left behind. One of the biggest was Pawtuckaway State Park in Nottingham NH. Our family went every year when he was little and I had not been back since Joshua’s death. To top that hurdle off, an even greater one awaited me in order to get to Pawtuckaway. You see on the way is a house. A sweet beautiful house, set back behind a pond aptly named Hop Frog Pond. That house is where Joshua spent his best years. It is in Raymond NH.



As I took exit number 5 off 101 it all came crashing back to me. The familiar gas station, the Wal mart distribution center, the road with the McDonald’s and the meat market I used to get everything for the family bbq’s. “I’ll have a double cheeseburger and a coke” sounded into my head in Joshua’s voice. Ouch this was going to be harder than I thought. Hannaford was still up on the hill. It was my weekly grocery shop in the days when I resided here. Could I do it? I walked through the grocery store sobbing so I guess the answer was no. Pushing the carriage with Joshua no longer riding the front. Passing the bakery and no longer grabbing him a cookie. Each of his favorite foods, the book section. Nothing. People stared as I passed sobbing like a child. I finally made it to the parking lot exhausted, throwing things into the car for camping and left my purse. All in all OUCH.



The house was next. I slowed down as I got onto Nottingham Rd. Oh how I loved this large beautiful house. It was my pride and joy. I had 4 kids a dog and pristine white rugs always. The daffodils were my favorite; they covered the beautifully landscaped front lawn that I took such care to garden. Even topiary bushes were not to much for this novice. I was in love. As I got to the top of the hill, the house sat just the same. Maybe a tad more yellow than the salmon color it was. I gasped for breath sitting on the side of the road, sobbing and wishing I could go in. The mailbox read 47. I could see Joshua’s bedroom from road. I imagined him in his bed with the fan on his face reading Harry Potter. I imagined us all inside. I hummed a few bars of “The House That Made Me” and imagined knocking on the door to ask if I might come in and sit a while in his room. “Mommy” my teenage daughter sitting next to me having equally as hard a time said “I will buy this for you someday I promise”, “I will get this house back for you”. Thank you I whispered. "I know you will". I remembered burying Prince in the woods in the back yard thinking we would stay here forever. I never thought I would have to burry my son as well. He would have like to be buried near his companian Bella.



Next onto the rolling hills of Nottingham and the state park. From the parking lot, to the campsites to the water spickets it was all the same. We set up the tent and I forced myself to stop having the pictures race through my head of Joshua climbing between the trees as if he were Spiderman. I had to keep slapping myself to make certain this family, now, these kids, my husband had a good time camping.



Joshua you would be so proud of me.

~Joshua’s Mom

Our Deepest Gratitude

The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you. ~John E. Southard

On behalf of the friends and family of Joshua Amaral, Steve Woodard and Peter Matt Burns we would like to thank all the amazing companies that donated to help in the fight against bullying, depression and suicide. We were nothing short of amazed at the support and donations we received from the generous companies we contacted. Thank you also to Jalapenos for making our fundraising night fun and memorable and for all those who came. Each one of you made it possible for us to walk in the Out Of The Darkness Walk and with help from The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, we all saved lives. The following companies honored our journey:


Vermont Teddy Bear,

Alchemy Restaurant,

Meineke,

Linden Tree Inn,

Dogeared Jewelry,

The Lobster Pool,

Seaward Inn Rockport,

Avanti Hair Salon,

Friendly’s,

The Causeway Restaurant,

Cape Ann Marina,

The Farm Restaurant,

Gracie Cakes in Salem,

Plum Cove Grind,

The Landing Restaurant Marblehead,

Bertucci's,

Cape Ann Whale Watch,

Divine Day Spa,

Groupon,

Hannaford Supermarkets,

Nor' East Cleaners,

Sunbanque,

Pilot House Restaurant,

Harbor Light Inn Marblehead,

Cash donation from Annabelle Harling,

Dog Bar Restaurant,

Latitude 43,

Yankee Smokehouse,

Espresso Restaurant,

The Westin Hotel in Boston,

The Westin Hotel in Times Square Ny

Cash Donations from Freedom Market, Freedom N.H

Cake Pops by Jackie Burns




A special thank you to the amazing staff at Grill 23 and The Lenox Hotel in Boston for not only donating but for making life a much better place. Also to our friends and family on Life Is A Highway on Facebook and to everyone who donated and bought a calendar.



Each of you made a difference!



Warmest Thanks!

Team Life Is A Highway

~Joshua’s Mom

TIME WON'T STAND STILL....

Wait a minute. Just please stop.


I can’t bare another moment

From that ticking on the clock.

I can’t hold another flower

Or taste another spring

In this endless painful thing



I have longed to hear your sweetness

I’d give it all to touch your face

I can’t bare to let a moment

Get away,, I cant replace







I have lost so many moments

Taken by the breeze

I scream to get them back

I beg that they might freeze



I have only what I remember

Only what I can recall

If these seconds continue passing

I might just lose it all



Please stop for just a minute

While I try to catch my breath

While I try to get a handle

On this pain that is called death.



I saved you in my pages

I saved you in my dreams

I saved you in my journals

I saved your little things



I am losing you, slowly.

Your memory starts to fade

I cant seem to hold onto

The past  we had made



No matter how I try

I cant stop the hands of time

They taunt and tease my tears

And remove what once was mine.





Please just for a moment

Give me back my son

Give me back our dreams

And the life that had just begun.

~Written and Lived by Joshua's Mom <3

The HeartBreak Of May

It’s amazing how much my son struggled with Suicide. In reading his journals he was so sick of the constant nagging to end his life. Today, I understood. I felt tossed about by the darkest wind and yet my heart felt as if I carried around a rock in my chest and a lump in my throat all day. I am exhausted of constantly feeling like I forgot something and then remembering what it is I am missing. I am so tired of waking up each morning having to convince myself that today is not the day and that I can do this, that I am strong. He must have been exhausted as well. Broken, beaten and with no hope.


May creeps into my soul with it’s bird nests, daffodils and fresh spring air and makes me want to run. Some days my skin even feels as if it’s to heavy for my body. I’ve no safe place to rest no hiding place where nobody can find me. I have to walk around hoping I make it through yet another May and another June 3rd. I cry at the drop of a hat. It’s always waiting for some reminder or someone to hurt me. It’s irrational. I bleed out.

Today took it’s toll. It was like I was having labor pains, but I knew they would never stop. My body ached for my son again and I felt such a strong desire to be with him. I remembered him in his casket with his blue dress shirt and grey turtleneck in the middle of June so the scars on his neck would not show. I could almost hear the faint echo of the word “mommy” in the distance if I tried hard enough. I remembered his Sesame Street books and the hours we spent learning and laughing.

I feel as if someone is ripping out my heart. This hurts so badly. When will I ever get a moments peace from this? WHEN?

Amazing Generosity!!!!!!!!

1. $50 Alchemy Restaurant,2.Free Oil Change,3.Free night's stay at http://www.lindentreeinn.com/ 4.$250 dollars worth of Dogeared jewlery http://www.dogeared.com/, 5.$50 The Lobster Pool Restaurant 6.2 Free Nights at The Seaward Inn http://www.seawardinn.com/ 7. Cut and blow dry at Avanti Salon 8.$30 Gift Certificates to Friendlys 9.$35 The Causeway Restaurant,10.3 Month Pool Pass at Cape Ann Marina (value 150) 11.$25 The Farm http://www.farmbargrille.com/   12 $50 Gracie Cakes in Salem Ma. http://www.gracie-cakes.com/  13. $25 The Grind Cafe 14. $25 The Farm (see above for link) 15.$50 The Landing http://www.thelandingrestaurant.com/  16. $25 Bertuccis  17.$90 Cape Ann Whale Watch http://www.thelandingrestaurant.com/ 18.Divine Day Spa cut and blow dry 19. $50 Groupon http://www.groupon.com/    20. $25 Hannaford  21.$25 Nor East Cleaners 22.$25 Sunbanque Gloucester, 23. $20 Pilot House, 24. Free Night at The Harbor Light Inn http://www.harborlightinn.com/ 25.$50 CASH donated by Annabelle my daughter,26. $20 Dogbar http://www.dogbarcapeann.com/ , 27.$25 Latitude 43 restaurant, 28. $20 Yankee Smoke House Ossippee Nh, 29. $25 Expresso and last but not least 2 free nights at The Westin Waterfont in Boston valued at $600 dollars....

The Calendar above is the product of amazing local generosity. It's value is almost $3,000 and it is full of great prizes and give aways donated from local companies to support bullying and suicide prevention. Each time I called someone and told them about Joshua and the efforts to help raise awareness they said yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! It became less and less uncomfortable for me each time I tried. I would simply look up to the heavens and say "YES" "Josh we did it". The calendar is many of those blessings all wrapped up in one. If you are interested in purchasing one of these calendars, simply click the link and put $20 dollars with a comment saying "raffle" and your information to be contacted. We will draw a winner on each day of June. The month that Joshua took his life. https://theovernight.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donate.start&destination=P&eventID=500&participantID=1106

Another moment I would like to share is about an angel. I am never certain if people would be ok about me talking about them, but I have to. I contacted one of my favorite restaurants and a wonderful man, clearly passionate about this cause donated a $225 dinner at The Grill 23http://www.grill23.com/. If you have seen this amazing restaurant on Chronicle you would understand the amazing gift this is. Next he took it upon himself to contact a friend at The Lenox Hotel and add that to the raffle. The value of this raffle skyrocketed. At our fundraiser last nigh in Gloucester people were thrilled to buy a ticket. One man even bought 5....So to this kind man a heartfel thank you from Joshua and myself.

Lastly I need to give a shout out to Peter Lindberg and his wonderful band mate (whos name escapes me) http://www.facebook.com/#!/petelindberg for donating amazing music at Jalapeno's last night. He is incredible and I can not wait until his cd comes out. Thank You Both!!!

Each child lost, Each child losing, Each child stuck in the place between the worlds. Each one honored, each one removing the stigma of suicide and the fight against the depths.

~Joshua's Mom

LETTER FROM SCHOOL AFTER I SPOKE :)

The above letter is from the wonderful principal at North Middlesex Regional School District. The day she is reffering to was one of the hardest in my life. I had to both be professional about my story and yet show my pain and my heart. Many teachers came with open hearts that day. It was just another moment where I felt like I might still be Joshua's Mom...