Christmas Shopping For My Angel

There’s one little boy left on my list
All the others are done and I’ve wrapped all their gifts


He’s 15 years old and I have no idea
The things he would use or the clothes he would wear


My pace is much slower than those in the mall
And thank God they don’t see my tears as they fall



Memories flood  back to the fun that we had
And I choose some magic cards and a soft felt like hat


T-shirts with sayings and famous peoples names
Were one of his favorites, I smile as I pay


Ma’am may I help you a clerk kindly asks
But she’d never understand this heavenly task


I’m shopping for an angel I thought I might say
As I wipe a tear from my cheek and quietly walk away


As I sit on a bench and sift through the gifts
I can’t help but remember the smile on his lips


The boy who brought the best out of Christmas for me
As he bolted toward the presents under the tree


I sat for a few and searched the many faces
And wondered if anyone else was here shopping for angels


Then I picked up my bag and headed for the door
And did what  I’d done for five years before


I carefully headed to the corner of the lot
And placed my sons gifts in the donation box

I stopped and envisioned a boy of fifteen
Waking in the morning and opening these


For a moment  I stood  my heart broke once again
And screamed to the night MERRY CHRISTMAS MY SON.

Written by ~Joshua's Mom for her baby boy. <3

MY CHRISTMAS WISH

Santa all I wish for
As I wake on Christmas morn
Is you’ll make a stop in heaven
And bring home my first-born

I have no use for presents
I’ve little care for things
But what I’d give my life for
Is my boy who now has wings

I’ll give back all the trinkets
You brought since I was small
If you’d please just grant this one wish
It’s the wish I wish of all

Santa, stop in heaven
It’s right along the way
As you fly through the heavens
With your reindeer in your sleigh

I know my son is waiting
I’m on his wish list too
And so please make both our wishes
This Christmas Year come true.


~By Joshua's Mom

Life Is A Highway and I am always both coming and going.....

I often walk the black edge. The fringes of this world, the places most people don’t often even know exist. They stand out once in a while as people walk through life in times where goosebumps, dejavu and panic show their faces. I stare at this life both as a lurker and a participant. Every moment of every day is sliced down the middle with the icy cold edge of fear and the hot sweat of enjoyment. He did this. He made tears come even during laughter as if there is no end to the pain even in the good times. The water does not meet the land, it rages amongst it allowing me to get my footing whilst the waves crash around me, knocking me down. I see from the angles of both life and death. I see opposites as if they are both pure truth. Prospective is the robe I wear. The bridge is both beautiful and an arch to cover water, just as it may quickly be an answer to my pain. The light is both refreshing and painful all captured inside one prism. Running is exuberant and yet I am weary. All good, all bad, all black and all white.






One fateful day, June 3rd 2005 all of what was good and bad in life collided inside of me. Joshua both took a life and gave a life. I am forever thankful and in angst at the same time.

Every day, every moment, everything is true.



To those who struggle with the thoughts of taking your life, please remember that you will take more than just your own. You will sentence many more to death here on earth! No more person can that be more true for than your family!

The Road Less Travelled

The Road Less Travelled
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference





As a girl I loved this poem. During my years in NH I often found myself at the Robert Frost Farm in Derry NH staring at the two paths and wishing I were that person who bravely took The Road Less Traveled. To put off the things of the world like money, popularity, and selfishness and find those things, which are less, focused on. Yesterday I finally found myself faced with that choice and thanks to Joshua It was the only road I could travel. The only road my soul would let me attend.


As many of you know it was time for me to go back to work. The girls are grown (well ok 13 and 15) and I need to do something outside of the home to contribute financially and more so find out who I am again after Joshua’s suicide. For the past 6 years it has been all that all the time. Having decided it was time; I sent my resume out to two different job types. The first being the corporate jobs that I used to have before Joshua. Appraisal Management type jobs. The second set was to non-profits and places that give back to society. The first resume I sent out was to ProTeck in Waltham and they called me within five minutes. This job was identical to my previous job, which I did for over 7 years. It was a perfect fit. Right? For the past week I had a knot In my stomach but I kept telling myself I would get used to it. Something inside me just did not feel right about taking this job. Something did not feel like I was honoring my struggle. I moved forward anyway and yesterday went into ProTeck for my first day. As I sat and trained with a very nice girl, I noticed that people did not speak as they passed by. They did not smile or act friendly. Hmmm I thought why do I care? I then noticed that as I sat and learned, I had a feeling of dread. This was not for me. They would do everything I requested. Odd hours to work around traffic send my home with a set-up to work from home when I chose. A Perfect Fit that did not feel perfect at all. What was wrong with me? Am I spoiled? How is a job that fits my skill set so well, not for me?  I did not complete that day and as I drove home feeling broken and dissapointed in myself, Life Is A Highway came on the radio.


Today I feel calm and centered. I am not beating myself up anymore. I have talked to some wise people who knew this was not the place for me. Who saw this not lining up with my trauma and the new me! What happened? Why am I so broken, why does this puzzle piece not seem to fit anywhere anymore. It is like I have to work so hard to fit in now socially, with family and even in business. It’s clunky and not natural. I am outside looking in. Joshua happened. He took everything I thought to have value and turned it upside down. He showed me that love, kindness, charity and purpose are a necessity and he made my soul align with that path. I have always taught my kids that if you feel different, if you don’t fit in then you are probably doing something right. Now I understand what that means and what it feels like. It’s not simple. It’s not easy.


What I want and need is people! At the end of the day, I would rather deliver flowers and see a smile than sit in a cubical spinning thread into gold. I want to help and I want to say at the end of my life that I made a difference in peoples lives. I am certain you cannot take it with you! I want to fight for the lives of teens that are hurting; I want to help them become what they never thought they could. I don’t want to fit in ever again.

<3 Joshua's Mom <3

GOD

You might recall, Dear Lord that I loved you once. You might remember this child of 5 turning to you when my own father gave me no shelter from the storms all around. I was the little red head with pigtails in Sunday school. The one who was so excited to have learned the song Jesus Loves Me. The girl who proudly sang it, knowing that you would take care of each of your little sheep and bring them back to the flock with gentle kindness. It is I that child of yours, the one you took into your arms and promised eternal life forever.




The years have passed haven’t they? The violent savage attack on my being in 2005 when Joshua hung himself has left me but a shell of that trusting child. My hope for eternal life has come crashing down around me and fear and rage have replaced any song in my heart for you. For years I moved back and forth between blaming you for taking him and the easier place of you not ever having existed. I hoped I had made you up, for that would be easier to bare than what you have allowed. The truth is that somewhere in the blackness of the driveway that night, up on hearing the news I knew it was you. I felt his body and his spirit travel through my body as you extracted him from my life.



The bleeding might have stopped. I am not sure. Sometimes a wound seems to re-open but the pouring of blood from my veins has stopped. The distance between you and I has begun to shorten and I have slowly entertained the thought of you again as my father. This morning I woke hoping I could make my way to church again. The first such thought of wanting to understand you and allow you again. But what will you take, what could loving you again open me up for? I have other sweet children that are mine and you cannot have them. How dare you?!



Jesus Loves Me

This I Know

For The Bible Tells Me So.



I know you have him and I want him back.



~Joshua’s Mom

SUDDENLY SAN FRANCISCO

Tootsie Roll

Mixed Candy

Odd isn’t it how something can seem monument us and with one word of encouragement from someone, it was only but a grain of sand. My grain of sand is San Francisco California. I remember feeling like I was on such a run, first the 18 mile Overnight Walk in Boston from Dusk Till Dawn, Next it was NY 18 miles again overnight and then they announced San Francisco. I remember feeling like I was asked to step outside of something I was so passionate about. I felt left out and tried not to think about it. All of these people would be filling the streets without me. Why was that such a big deal? Well I suppose party because this walk, the volunteers and the other walkers lifted me from the fog and showed me that I could still be a mom to Joshua. That I had a purpose and it was not sobbing in my pajama gram pajama’s the rest of my life. I will never forget being surrounded by so many families sobbing in Boston as we begun to walk. The feeling of loneliness disappeared. We knew each other and we knew that the distance was not going to be nearly as painful as what our sweet children suffered, and the blisters were going to be wonderfully painful in honor of their wounds. So back to San Francisco! The other day I was at a party and an old friend asked about the walk and I mentioned I could not attend, that it would cost too much to get there, but I was ok with it (I really wasn’t). He just sort of looked at me with disbelief and said that it seemed it would not be difficult with all the amazing people who support me and who donate to the AFSP. His prospective enlightened me and opened up the realization that hey maybe I will be able to raise the $1,000 to walk and enough to travel. WoW I felt as if a door was opened. I am now working hard to get behind the possibility of going to SF in June 2012 and doing it all over again….I get excited just thinking about it. How could I have thought I would not go?



So as I plan to fundraise, I have decided that the Christmas Wreaths we do as a family (for a good cause) each year, will be the first in my fundraising efforts. They have always been very popular and the orders pour in. So for everyone who wants a gorgeous yummy treat AND help support the fight against bullying and prevention of suicide I am taking orders and have already gotten 2 stores who want to sell these. With your help, I can go to San Francisco and carry your loved ones with me…..



Email me if your interested in a wreath….I will have a brochure up and pricing…



Thank You,

~Joshua’s Mom



Mndypool@gmail.com          Click Brochure to enlarge....

Live Like Im Dying

All my life I loved the sky. The clouds, the stars the world up above the earth. It all felt closer to God. I spent many days just sitting at the Beverly Airport watching the planes take off and land. Often making my way up in the air when some nice pilot saw me sitting in my car. I am usually the silly girl with her head back looking up into the sky, almost falling over, when an airplane goes by. It’s just me.




Joshua’s death had me dormant for so long, of all the loves in my life. That today when I saw a Groupon on a skydive…I knew I had to buy it. I felt instant exhilaration for being up in the heavens again and I know Joshua would have loved to jump out of a plane with me. We joked about it. I am an angel mom, what better to fly?



For so many years I have watched life go by while I waited to see Josh again. This week, this day, and this year I am going to start making my way closer to him by living the life I have dreamed of. No more waiting on him. No more wondering if God might be merciful enough to take me on any given day. It sounds strange to call it a bucket list. There has to be a better name for it. I will come up with one.



I plan to wear a Life Is A Highway T-shirt on all my endeavors in honor of Joshua. To tell him about my plans and my excitement and bring him with me on all the journeys I take. I wonder if this is part of acceptance.



~Joshua’s Mom