Every Day Pain

Sometimes it’s as if my heart waits quietly to reconnect with my son. Each smell, taste and sound becomes a possibility for a memory I’d forgotten. Joshua was born to me at 16. His life chronicled in a fascinating way by journaling. His first steps, his first words, his first bike and even his first love light up the pages of my notebooks. As I had a glass of wine and peered into one of these books I saw “JOSHY LOVES MOMMY” written in scribbled crayon over the while lines. He was 4 and proud to be able to write. My heart burned to remember him with his little fingers flipping through this book and leaving this note for me. He had no idea it would be the keepsake of a broken heart.





A few weeks ago Annabelle and I stood in front of the TV to set up a Wii game of Jeopardy. She, knowing how to do all this, fidgeted with the paddle and came to the place where the characters were created. I stood in awe in the middle of the living room when I saw a character on the screen with the name Josh. It even looked like Josh. What is this I asked Annabelle? “Oh that’s Josh” she said proudly without looking up from her search. “Josh?” I asked in a gentle voice. “YUP, he is my character on here” she said as if that was normal every day stuff. I voiced a quiet “oh” and we played Jeopardy. Often I read stories about people using online characters to be and do things they normally could not. On this day I played Jeopardy with my son.



Annabelle wanted to have shirts with thumbholes like Josh. The idea bothered me because I hated how Joshua tried to keep himself so covered up. He hated his body, his legs and arms and began to disappear by covering himself with long hair, long, coats and long sleeves. It is times like these that I have to remember that Annabelle is not Josh and that she tries so hard to connect with him. As I folded the laundry yesterday her brand new bright green shirt with the thumbholes made it’s way into my hands and as I reached my hand into the sleeve to pull it right side out, my thumb slipped into the hole. Moments past and I was frozen. I simply stood there feeling my son all around me. I put myself in his shoes, remembered his arms and hands and the last time I felt him in my arms and teased him about his choice of clothing.



Each day life brings Josh back to me. So I live with my heart wide open!



~Joshua’s Mom