I am almost not able to write this today. I am in such pain that I can't find the words. Have you ever been in so much pain that you can't move and have no words and the tears just flow like water? I am not able to be helped by anyone’s words and I am feeling more and more isolated. June 3rd 2010 will be my 5th year of waiting for nightmare to be over and my son to be home with me. For some reason the years do not get easier, as I thought they might. They just change from the shock like I had been in a car accident, to a looming, gut wrenching pain that begins to worsen in May and follows me through June. My body does it in waves with actual physical pain and my soul and heart then take turns. I am tormented. Each day or night I am stuck on a different moment. Sometimes the hospital where he lay dead, sometimes the funeral home where I had to battle people for my last moments with him. Sometimes the baby memories of him, sometimes I just sit and play the movie of his life from start to finish. Just when I think I must have run out of tears, there are more to come. As I am in the midst of this journey. As people around me go about their day to day business, they have no idea that my heart is twisting, aching and longing. I try so hard to keep my face on, but so often I just cant. Those I trust understand! Those who don't understand judge me. I am almost used to it.
This year I am preparing to take my seat at my son’s grave once again. Every year is different and always blessed. Some years it just rains and rains and when it does, I thank God that he understands that the sun should not shine that day. It never ceases to amaze or delight me, that some of Joshua's truest friends come on that day as well and they kindly sit and tell stories and honor my son. I can understand why he loved them so. This year a friend has made a sign for the Joshua Tree that watches over Joshua. I can't wait to have it at this sacred place.
Although the walk is coming up soon, I have decided to allow myself to focus on June 3rd instead. I think it was to much to try to do both. I will resume my fundraising after I get myself past this day. Many who have lost someone to suicide would understand that each day we are still on this earth and have not left to find the child we lost, is a success. As a mother I am torn every moment between my children who are alive and thriving and the one I desperately long to hold again.
Love,
Amanda
