Monday, April 4, 2011

Pieces Of Pain




I don’t want to write a long drawn out Blog today because my heart hurts and I need a break from the pain. Its April, another April. Joshua died in June. The springtime and its beautiful flowers, soft grass and crisp warm breeze are a double-edged sword for me. I love and hate Spring now. So once again I am dragged unwillingly closer to an anniversary of my son, who I would have taken a bullet for. I am sore as If I were bruised from a beaten I just took. Worse yet are the journals of Joshuas that require me to relive his pain and his very own journey in April of 2005. The reality of his pain has been written and I am forced to recognize the people who helped push Joshua over the edge. It is not a kind realization.




Today some great things happened. I got my first donation for the upcoming overnight walk in NY and people received a copy of The Chicken Soup book I wrote The Joshua Tree in. Truthfully before that I was sobbing and dragging on the ground asking myself how to move forward. Thank you to everyone working to lift my spirits. I must say that after all the research I have read about the lack of empathy we are moving towards as a society connected to the internet, I have never felt more love than when I log onto my Life Is A Highway FB page and find a family of people that love me!


The next few months are hard. I usually move through the stages of Joshua’s death, pulled apart by time. I am lucky enough that my grief allows me pieces of pain rather than one large dose in June. Pieces are a blessing, but not a reprieve. I would rather have my son home! Everything is agitating his being gone. Everything.

<3 Joshua's Mom