Life Is A Highway and I am always both coming and going.....

I often walk the black edge. The fringes of this world, the places most people don’t often even know exist. They stand out once in a while as people walk through life in times where goosebumps, dejavu and panic show their faces. I stare at this life both as a lurker and a participant. Every moment of every day is sliced down the middle with the icy cold edge of fear and the hot sweat of enjoyment. He did this. He made tears come even during laughter as if there is no end to the pain even in the good times. The water does not meet the land, it rages amongst it allowing me to get my footing whilst the waves crash around me, knocking me down. I see from the angles of both life and death. I see opposites as if they are both pure truth. Prospective is the robe I wear. The bridge is both beautiful and an arch to cover water, just as it may quickly be an answer to my pain. The light is both refreshing and painful all captured inside one prism. Running is exuberant and yet I am weary. All good, all bad, all black and all white.






One fateful day, June 3rd 2005 all of what was good and bad in life collided inside of me. Joshua both took a life and gave a life. I am forever thankful and in angst at the same time.

Every day, every moment, everything is true.



To those who struggle with the thoughts of taking your life, please remember that you will take more than just your own. You will sentence many more to death here on earth! No more person can that be more true for than your family!

The Road Less Travelled

The Road Less Travelled
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference





As a girl I loved this poem. During my years in NH I often found myself at the Robert Frost Farm in Derry NH staring at the two paths and wishing I were that person who bravely took The Road Less Traveled. To put off the things of the world like money, popularity, and selfishness and find those things, which are less, focused on. Yesterday I finally found myself faced with that choice and thanks to Joshua It was the only road I could travel. The only road my soul would let me attend.


As many of you know it was time for me to go back to work. The girls are grown (well ok 13 and 15) and I need to do something outside of the home to contribute financially and more so find out who I am again after Joshua’s suicide. For the past 6 years it has been all that all the time. Having decided it was time; I sent my resume out to two different job types. The first being the corporate jobs that I used to have before Joshua. Appraisal Management type jobs. The second set was to non-profits and places that give back to society. The first resume I sent out was to ProTeck in Waltham and they called me within five minutes. This job was identical to my previous job, which I did for over 7 years. It was a perfect fit. Right? For the past week I had a knot In my stomach but I kept telling myself I would get used to it. Something inside me just did not feel right about taking this job. Something did not feel like I was honoring my struggle. I moved forward anyway and yesterday went into ProTeck for my first day. As I sat and trained with a very nice girl, I noticed that people did not speak as they passed by. They did not smile or act friendly. Hmmm I thought why do I care? I then noticed that as I sat and learned, I had a feeling of dread. This was not for me. They would do everything I requested. Odd hours to work around traffic send my home with a set-up to work from home when I chose. A Perfect Fit that did not feel perfect at all. What was wrong with me? Am I spoiled? How is a job that fits my skill set so well, not for me?  I did not complete that day and as I drove home feeling broken and dissapointed in myself, Life Is A Highway came on the radio.


Today I feel calm and centered. I am not beating myself up anymore. I have talked to some wise people who knew this was not the place for me. Who saw this not lining up with my trauma and the new me! What happened? Why am I so broken, why does this puzzle piece not seem to fit anywhere anymore. It is like I have to work so hard to fit in now socially, with family and even in business. It’s clunky and not natural. I am outside looking in. Joshua happened. He took everything I thought to have value and turned it upside down. He showed me that love, kindness, charity and purpose are a necessity and he made my soul align with that path. I have always taught my kids that if you feel different, if you don’t fit in then you are probably doing something right. Now I understand what that means and what it feels like. It’s not simple. It’s not easy.


What I want and need is people! At the end of the day, I would rather deliver flowers and see a smile than sit in a cubical spinning thread into gold. I want to help and I want to say at the end of my life that I made a difference in peoples lives. I am certain you cannot take it with you! I want to fight for the lives of teens that are hurting; I want to help them become what they never thought they could. I don’t want to fit in ever again.

<3 Joshua's Mom <3