I woke up this day 22 years ago in horrible pain. I was only sixteen and had no idea what was really happening to my body. I made my way out of bed at 4:30 am and rested by belly against the back of our horrendous orange lounge chair. I then called to your father who was getting ready for work that it was time to go to the hospital and have our baby. You. You and I had already spent so much time getting to know each other. I sang to you, rocked you to sleep in my belly every night and counted each day until you came. You were already my son. My body LOVED being pregnant. Even though it was only the body of a little girl.
Your birth was not easy. You took much longer to arrive than either you or I expected. You were born with a collapsed lung and they rushed you off before I could hold you. All I saw were two black feet passing by my face. Nobody explained anything to me. You weren’t breathing. The next morning I climbed from my bed, drugged from pain killers and made my way down the hall to see my mother sitting proudly in a rocking chair holding you. You were born on her birthday. Her birthday present. I stood. Thinking that of all the people to be sitting there, it would be her. She was simply an extension of my love for you. From that day on she and I would raise you together. You were so loved. Each year more than the one before it. You were happy! Do you remember?
Today it is raining and feels like a cool September day. Only the lump in my throat challenges the pain in my chest. I am alone, though many try to help and sooth me. As much as I gave birth to you on September 6 1989, you were taken back through my body on June 3rd 2005. Both of these leave me physically broken and emotionally unable to cope with every day things in life.
I miss you. I miss you with all my heart and all my soul. There seems to be no end to the things you never got to do and to the things I never got to say to you. I am so sorry for your pain and that you could not find another way out. I would give anything to have you come home.
Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To you
Happy Birthday Dear Joshua
Happy Birthday To You……
Love Mommy
I love your posts but find them hard to read. You are further along in your grief journey and yet the pain, sorrow and sadness that you feel seems so strong. It scares me a bit but then I think, of course, it will ALWAYS be hard. Memories, birthdays, vacations, favorite haunts - even something as mundane as a grocery store. For me, it is Sports Authority. I've only been there a couple of times since my Josh's death and when there, I totally by-pass the young men's section. Way too painful to see so many things that he would love to wear. Actually, now that I think about it, I bypass ALL of the young menswear sections - in any store. I can't let myself picture my handsome son in that shirt of this pair of jeans.
ReplyDeleteOh - and can I say that I TOTALLY relate to how you feel when people complain about the stupidest things? And how it is hard to socialize with people on the very superficial, chit-chat level? I have no patience for that anymore.
Keep writing - I love your honesty.
Josh's mom