Thursday, July 12, 2012

Fear of Falling






My bedroom sits in the tree-tops overlooking the ocean and Rockport’s majestic coastline. Not a single day goes by that you would not find me, coffee in hand, taking in the view either from my desk picture window or my deck. Some days  the squirrels arrive for my viewing pleasure and chase each other, jumping and frolicking from tree to tree. They really do seem to fly. Other days it is the view of the breakwater and little sailboats that catch my attention. My mind often wonders what it would be like to stand out on the unfinished breakwater in the middle of the ocean and be sprayed by the white foam of the waves as they crash on the stones.  I then remember my unreasonable fear of sharks from the movie Jaws when I was five and my mind rushes back to the safety of my desk. Just yesterday it was a simple trio of finches on a tree branch, one a red head and the two others a simple brown. I sat as still as possible on my deck as they sang away. I gave them a terrific applause as they ended their song. I wonder what might have made them so happy? Could it possibly be the simple fact that one male was entertaining two females. On any given day I would much rather sit and look out my large picture window than waste my brain on what's  downstairs on the flat screen tv.


Today my pleasure was a hawk.  I caught sight of him off in the distance almost immediately as I sat down. He was so far off that at first I was not certain if he was an airplane. To my delight he moved closer and closer in circles until he reached just above my window. The details of his body became clearer and his immense wingspan looked as if it might be as tall as myself if I laid on the floor. His brown feathers were strung together and between them the glimmer of sunshine came through. It took me almost five minutes leaning forward and enjoying this summer show, before I realized that not once at any time did he flap his wings. All of this movement, this soaring, diving and circling was done simply with the wind and his unique knowledge of how air works. He expended no energy on his peaceful flight and seemed to have no cares as he rested on the breeze with the pale blue sky as his backdrop. Did he know I was sitting here, thankful for this moment to watch this dance between he and the invisible energy source holding him up? With that his last circle was followed by a sharp banking left and he was gone from my view.



Now I am sitting here, still at my desk feeling jealous. Jealous of a beautiful bird and the peace and tranquility he showed me. The trust he has, the oneness with nature. There was a time before Joshua died where I was more free and trusting too. Where leaping without looking often worked in my favor and if it didn’t then there was a valuable lesson to learn from. Fear of losing loved ones had not become such a big part of my world. Fun was not for special occasions. I did not spend so much time thinking of how I do not seem to fit in, given that everthing in life has such deep meaning. Practical was not me by definition. I often wonder what I am waiting for? Am I so worried that another thing is going to come that knocks me down so hard. Am I so determined to be ready and on guard that I have turned into the watcher instead of living life. Joshua knew how much I loved airplanes when he was alive. He would often come and sit at the airport and watch the planes fly in and out and he accompanied me on several flights by friends who had planes. He knew how daring I was and how adventurous and he would certainly......


 WANT ME TO SOAR!
xoxo Joshua's Mom

1 comment:

  1. I just found your blog today. I've been searching for blogs and websites for bereaved parents since the sudden death of my 23 year old son 11 weeks ago.

    I've been compiling all the blogs into one site for my own convenience and also to help other parents who have lost children. I've added your blog. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

    http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss

    ReplyDelete