Joshua was born September 6th 1989. In 7 days he would have been 21 years old. I imagine things would be better for him. He might have successfully moved through the more awkward stages of life, healed his wounds by giving others time to make things up to him and start finding his terrific strength. I imagine a girl would love him, I imagine he would have a car (likely his first and so not a great car), maybe he would have settled into one hair style and maybe he would have stopped making such a point of not fitting in. He would have likely begun to own himself, own his thoughts, own his life and I am certain he would still be calling me mommy. He didn’t like cake. Not sure what I would put 21 candles on. In fact he didn’t like sweets very much at all. He would still be a dry comedian in love with puns and making connections that I never would have made. He wouldn’t be any taller than last I saw him. He might have gotten rid of the facial hair and certainly his beard would no longer be red, from the time he and Jamie died it in the bathroom in NH.
I am certain that he would still have a bigger heart than he knew what to do with, but by now he might have learned that it was ok to love to much, care to much, hold on to tight and feel more than most. He might have accepted that he had his mother’s heart and learned how to make it work for him. I can imagine he and Tom still hanging out like they used to and making me both nervous and embarrassed ALL THE TIME. He would be alive to see that I did exactly what he asked me to do and married Tom before he got away!!! He certainly would still be the protective oldest brother, maybe even more so at 21.
Instead he lies in a grave for his 21st birthday. His body trapped in a dark hole where I cannot get to him and hold him and kiss him. Instead I get to imagine him instead of hug and sing to him. Happy Birthday my Joshua, I will make a wish this year for both of us!
Mommy
Josh's birthday is only 15 days after mine. I wonder sometimes too, what he would have been like. I think you're right, especially about the dry humor and puns. No matter how bad a day I was having, he could always make me smile, even when nobody else could. =]
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know that you're not alone in missing him, and I'm always here if you want someone to talk to.
I never had the privilage of meeting Josh. However being a suicide attempt survivor I feel like we have a connection. I would have loved to meet him. He sounds like such an amazing person. I almost feel humbled when we are all there every year talking about him. I think, "what if I had actually succeeded?" Would my mom be doing the same things as Amanda? I just don't know. I do know however that since I have had the pleasure of meeting Amanda and his grandmother and sister he left a wonderful family. You are all so sweet to me especially since I didn't know Josh personally. If you ever need anything I am here for you. :) Keep smiling and keep up the great work that you do. I know in my heart that Josh is smiling in heaven.
ReplyDeleteOh how wonderful it was to see some comments on here! You never know if people read this and its very isolating to just write. Alyson I did not realize how close your birthday was to his. Thank you both for being such an amazing and unexpected part of our lives.
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