Grief does not take a vacation!!

This past week I went to California to visit my sister Jen and see her precious new baby girl Ruby. I was excited on so many levels. It took my mind off the dreary winter, the piles of snow banks around and of course the pain that still lingers from not having Joshua around for Christmas or to see 2011. Maybe for one week I was going to leave my grief behind in Massachusetts. No such luck. As I stepped off the plane and exited the airport into the beautiful 68-degree temps I took a deep breath, it seemed innocent enough. Suddenly with that very breath of sunshine and warm air, I heard and felt my grief arise from the depths of my soul. Confusion seemed to be the order of the day. “Is it spring?” it asked. “Is it time to get ready for June?” It asked. Could it really be April already? And there I stood, bags in hand hoping to have the best vacation of my life and my grief suddenly decided it needed to understand what was going on. I felt dazed and unhappy and tried like hell to explain to myself. No it is not spring I thought almost out loud. It is not time to get ready for the sixth anniversary of Joshua’s death. I never once thought of the possobility that these warm temperatures would cause my emotional clock to think it was April and begin to prepare for June. It was like telling a child who woke up to early on Christmas morning to go back to bed. How do you tell a gut wrenching heart pain that you have a few more months.????


Thankfully the week flew bye.  Babies and diapers and sight seeing kept me very busy.  I made certain to take some time each day either on a walk or a bike ride to honor my grief. With each flower I picked or each blade of grass I stepped upon, it would come rushing back and again ask “Do you need me?”, “Is it time?” and I would softly again say no not yet. It was the first time it didn’t rush in, but asked me if it was needed. I found myself remarkably aware that we were for the first time acting as a team.  This my true friend.


I am home now. Home to the mile high snow banks, frigid temps and snuggling up by the fireplace.  California was beautiful, but this is where I belong. Although I know grief is not far from me, for the moment she has taken her place in the distance and waits for a the real April to come....<3



~Joshua’s Mom

*** Photo taken in California by my sister Jessica Lusk. <3