It’s amazing how much my son struggled with Suicide. In reading his journals he was so sick of the constant nagging to end his life. Today, I understood. I felt tossed about by the darkest wind and yet my heart felt as if I carried around a rock in my chest and a lump in my throat all day. I am exhausted of constantly feeling like I forgot something and then remembering what it is I am missing. I am so tired of waking up each morning having to convince myself that today is not the day and that I can do this, that I am strong. He must have been exhausted as well. Broken, beaten and with no hope.
May creeps into my soul with it’s bird nests, daffodils and fresh spring air and makes me want to run. Some days my skin even feels as if it’s to heavy for my body. I’ve no safe place to rest no hiding place where nobody can find me. I have to walk around hoping I make it through yet another May and another June 3rd. I cry at the drop of a hat. It’s always waiting for some reminder or someone to hurt me. It’s irrational. I bleed out.
Today took it’s toll. It was like I was having labor pains, but I knew they would never stop. My body ached for my son again and I felt such a strong desire to be with him. I remembered him in his casket with his blue dress shirt and grey turtleneck in the middle of June so the scars on his neck would not show. I could almost hear the faint echo of the word “mommy” in the distance if I tried hard enough. I remembered his Sesame Street books and the hours we spent learning and laughing.
I feel as if someone is ripping out my heart. This hurts so badly. When will I ever get a moments peace from this? WHEN?
Karma, Waves and Josh
7 years ago
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