The Joshua Tree

THE JOSHUA TREE

The days after he passed were filled with a grey haze, which now I am thankful for. Although I have never looked into what shock actually is, I have come to know that it is mercy and grace for those of us who believe in a higher power. Psychologically it is protecting the body, mind and heart from more than it can take in all at once. It was in this state that I ended up at the Seaside Cemetery in Lanesville Ma. The first thing I noticed and felt was that even though I was in a cemetery, this place was beautiful. You could sit and look out at the ocean and almost feel the sea mist in each breeze. The second thing I recall was mounds of dirt piled over 8 feet tall in the corners of the cemetery, a reminder of where I actually was and that the dirt was extra from the holes dug from those passed. Next in my memory I was with my mom and dad and a tall man with a clip board. A clip board full of burial plots marked out so that he could identify which one we choose. There was no question in my mind where I wanted him. It was chosen before I even stepped foot in this sacred place. The tree stood as tall or taller than any other, it had a large trunk and seemed to be an break for the harsh winds, rain and winters. If I was going to bury my son, leave him here at night with nobody to watch over him, than he will be under the tree. It was an emmediate response on my part. No other place would do. I made up my mind. Upon telling the man that this was to be the spot to bury my fifteen year old son, he said in a kind way “this spot has not been plotted as of yet and is not a purchasable part of the cemetery” i.e that the cemetery does not go out that far. I don’t recall hearing much of that, and simply said it again. I think I might have said it 3 or 4 times. At the time my being did not know why he needed to be there, and no logic took me to that place. It was like nothing physically or emotionally was moving and yet there was a strength not my own to make certain I stayed this boys protector. My mom and dad seemed astonished that I had the ability whatsoever to insist up on this place. After much contemplation and a phone call, the man came back and said I could have this space for my son. The space under the tree. A tree that each time I come to see him I say hello to and Thank and each time I leave, I commission to again shelter him while I am gone. Shell Silverstein has a book called the giving tree and although I do not take nearly as much from Joshua’s tree, I understand how much life, love and protection one tree can give.


A few days ago I went to the cemetery to rake, clear and clean the cemetery after a harsh winter, and greeted the tree like an old friend. As I cleared I realized that I live much further from this place and wanted a small piece of the tree to take back with me. Somehow without hurting the tree. After going over the trunk looking and looking for a piece of bark that would not disturb the tree, I saw a piece sticking out of the ground as if it grew up next to the tree. I pulled it from the ground and took it home. It feels closer now. As I reviewed the photos from that day I realized I had an amazing picture to share on my facebook fans page. I said “This is the Joshua Tree”….I have heard that name from a U2 album and I wonder what It means. The answers back took my breath away. This tree that I have always called The Joshua Tree has deep Biblical meaning. It is believed to have been named for that because it reminded the pilgrims of Joshua’s outstretched hands calling for God and the promise land.

From a week mother wandering through a cemetery to a burial plot to a tree, Joshua’s death is leading me through a journey that I could never have anticipated or planned. It is an honor to understand that I was being led and that someday, this day I would understand more and more about the decisions I was not humanly able to make for my son. I have to believe that some of our life is mapped out, some parts of our journey are certain and that we need to just be still, not understand everything clearly. Some of the more powerful and profound decisions I have ever made were made for me and simply fell from my lips as if I were a mere pen, paint brush or tool to work towards a far better place, with more meaning, than I myself could ever have accomplished.

I know that is when there was but one set of footprints in the sand, I am certain then I was carried.

Blessings….