Not By Might Nor By Power But By The Spirit

This is going to be very personal, and yet ties in so deeply with what I am learning these past few months. Have you ever struggled with something and the more you struggled the more it did not work, and when you released your grasp it all fell into order? My personality is as such! I like to get things done, more than I allow them to work in their time and way. I have a huge NOW factor that gyps me from the beauty of how things COULD HAVE TURNED OUT. I am instant gratification personified. All my life I have heard, maybe you need to wait? Things are always instant or immediate. Ok now having said that, here's how this applies.

For the first 2 years after Joshua I was numb and in shock. Shock is an amazing gift. It allows the body to go into a non-information state and lets you deal with it incrementally as you are able. Mine was 2 years. In those years I read books on grief and began to build my mind and body back up. There was much work being done over that time, as I sat in a little apartment in Rockport facing a wall. Suddenly one day (in my fashion) I was done. I don't remember it, but Tom tells me it scared him because of how sudden it was. I stood up, made a plan and moved forward stronger (I thought) than I ever was. In fact now that I look back, I think I was being pushed by an amazing amount of anger. If there was nothing I could not accomplish before in my life, there was certainly nothing then. I took back the house management, took back full custody of the girls and thought...wow I am doing this and it's great! Hmmmm I am thinking I missed a stage in there.

About a month ago I found it. It was hidden in this walk! The stage or stages I skipped. My mind set was, hmmm I will do this walk for my son to honor him. I am passionate about this subject; I can be his mom again. Wow was I infinitely closed minded to the journey I was stepping into. It wasn’t I who was going to do anything and certainly I have learned that each thing I have tried to do myself IS NOT WORKING. Each person I contact, each event I try to MAKE happen is simply NOT. And then when I focus back on my pain and the gifts I am receiving it falls back into place. I am in the struggle of a lifetime for the proverbial let go and let GOD. The fine line of when to act and when to wait. The roadblocks have been prevalent each time I try to force this, and those moved by the spirit have reminded me to wait. They find me, not I them!

This is not about walking, it's not about fundraising (although it is). It's about me and the steps I skipped. It's about feeling my son, grieving my son! It's about finally moving from the anger to the pain I skipped. I recently watched an Oprah show where Rosie o'Donnell was talking about something that happened in her life and she said "If I was stronger, I would have cried".

Here's to my new found "weakness"! Each of you who have reached out and contacted me because you felt led or like you were in this by the Spirit...Thank You. To each of you I have contacted because I felt you should be in this journey....and it was not the case, I apologize!

~Amanda