Joshua’s 5th Anniversary came and went. It was harder this year! Annabelle witnessed many breakdowns on my way to Lanesville. Again he was not there. Many blessings were found on this day. The first being a wonderful hand made sign on the Joshua Tree. What a sweet person Phil is to have done that. It added so much to the day. Then came the 3. They have come faithfully since his death and they went to school with Joshua. They grieve him truly. This year as Annabelle and I stood on the path she looked over and asked who these 3 people are? I said “they were Joshua’s friends in school and come each year and sit with me and talk”. Her reply was touching, difficult and wonderful all at the same time. She pondered a few minutes, seemingly hoping it was going to be ok if she said what she had to say and then her little voice said “ they do not look Joshua’ age”. My heart grew still and silent as I saw this scene through her eyes and I looked down at her and said “Annabelle, Joshua has stopped aging and they have not”. She quickly understood and we simply continued to gaze at them. My mother came and sat a while, Annabelle and I played Joshua’s favorite card game (phase 10) and simply spent time with him. It was a wonderfully, wickedly horribly awesome day.
Today I reached my goal for the walk. A thousand dollars seemed so far off! 800 fans on the Facebook page also seemed impossible. As I logged into my page I saw the meter rise up to the thousand-dollar mark and little stars like fireworks burst from the top and made a crackle noise. My heart leapt for Joy and then sank with dread! I thought huh? What are you getting all excited for? You just raised money in honor of your dead son. It was hard. This has been difficult; the financial aspect has overshadowed the purpose of the walk for me. It has also even overshadowed his death a bit. I honestly wanted to stop raising funds half way through. I did not want to get tied up in this. Luckily when I came back from my visit to NY after the anniversary of his death, I was filled with a new vigor for all it would take to walk. I should expect an E-ticket in the mail soon.
As I gave pause to the Facebook page and what It could be after the walk, I was excited to remember a conversation with Alison at Joshua’s grave. She suggested thinking bigger. That the walk and the page is only the beginning of a foundation. I realized how passionate I am about Teens and schools and how they handle teens depression and suicide. I would like to grow this into a foundation that can help schools. The walk is just the beginning of a life of service for my son. How to go about doing this, how to apply for a nonprofit status and all the work it would take, is not at all in my knowledge bank. I could certainly use a mentor. But I know if I wait and wish for one, they will come.
Blessings!
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