To My Husband

To My Husband,

Joshua left us in 2005, you had 3 amazing years with him and I honor you. I remember so many times when you and he horrified me, excited me and truly made me wonder what in the world you were both thinking? As my memory comes back more and more, I am flooding by pictures of you and he and the times you had together. Here are some of my memories. Thank you loving him so much.

Embarrassment is the word that comes to mind when you, he and I were out! I think it’s why I stopped accompanying the two of you places. The grocery store, movie store, restaurants all places where you two would be such boys. How much fun you had tossing groceries and NOT having them land in your carriages. Now how I wish for such days. I doubt embarrassment would be the word. Oh how I wish I embraced the crazy times.


As I sit here in my kitchen and write, I am not far from the picture frames that you encouraged Joshua to build with you. They are so beautiful, with carved grapes. I will never forget how proud he was to make them and how gracious you were with him. So many people now have a frame.

The hat I don’t truly recall. I don’t remember when he started wearing it. I only know that he was with you in Rockport at your apartment and spotted it. A hat that your grandfather wore so many years ago, and that my son happily took and made his own. What must you have been thinking when he never, ever, took it off again?

The dirt bike story, as of course you thought he needed to be ruffed up a bit is one of my favorites. Looking back, it was not a great idea. The bike had too much power for someone his age,  and the location was also not great for a first time. I will never forget how banged up he got, and how the both of you looked when you can back. He with a sheepish grin as he showed off his bruises and yanked off his work boots and you wondering how I would react to see Joshua so bruised.


Wolfboro was hard. It was so far away. My apartment in NY seemed like the ends of the earth from him. I remember one night looking out of the window into the cul de sac and seeing your white bronco pull up and Joshua get out of the drivers seat. I laughed until I cried. How old was he? 14 maybe. How far did he drive? I wondered.  And then the next morning when he asked for coffee, the tiny spot of coffee we placed into the sugar bowl. Such a laugh.


And then we went from silly to having all the lights turned out. Joshua was gone. On top of losing him you lost me to hospitals, medications that made me sleep for days on end and  loneliness. Why did you stay? Why did you care for me? How did you do it? When the day came in 2007 when I "woke up" from the coma I had been living in for tow years. It was you I saw. You who had bathed me, fed me, loved me, took me for drives, took me to the cemetery. You who loved me back to life and kept Joshua alive between us.  I never knew I had met my guardian angel...



Thank you so much! I owe you my life.
Happy Birthday My Amazing Husband and Friend.
Your Wife,
Amanda