Out Of The Darkness,
The day of the walk, I was spinning in my tracks. I found myself staring blankly into space, when the list of things needed doing was immense. The shirt needed to have our team name and my son’s name on the shirt. I took one-step forward and 2 steps back. Everything was so important I was almost frozen. The luminary bag had to be made, and again my hand almost could not do it. I felt useless with nerves. I went onto facebook and then got a wonderful email response from Carissa’s mom, which reminded me that I am not doing this! Let it go.
I wrote out the shirt with Joshua’s name, and Stu and Scott. I wrote our team name. My husband helped me make an amazing luminary bag and I eventually started moving forward. Turned out I did not have to look far for angels last night, the men I drove in with were almost all I needed. God truly uses those he wants. Tom and John have had hard lives, full of pain and turmoil. They are a bit rough around the edges, but truly I could not have asked for anyone better. Oh how they would laugh to be called angels.
We parked in the garage and walked into the city hall plaza area. At first I was let down at how few people there seemed to be. I think I thought the entire world would be there. I registered with ease and was directed over to the other informational tents. I got my map of the route, saw the tent for next years walk and then made my way over to one of the hardest parts.
THE BEADS
The table was laid out with colored beads, orange, blue, green, and white. The beads, I knew I would wear were white. It was the only color I knew what meant. As I walked up the to girl handing out the beads, she asked what color I needed. I said, “lost a child” and she picked up a set of the white and said “This is the color I hate handing out the most”. I nodded, and walked away with the beads in hand. As I turned to walk away, I looked at the beads and quietly talked to my son as I placed them on my neck. “ How could you do this to me”, “are you watching right now”. The button on my shirt with his picture gave a target for my pain. I looked right into his beautiful place and told him how upset at him I was. After they were on, I remember walking through the crowd looking for other colors. A lady past wearing green and so I knew she was struggling with taking her life. A family came up wearing ………… and they had lost a parent. It was wonderfully painful way at wearing your heart on your sleeve, and certainly helped to not have to ask each person. I found myself watching and saying silent prayers for each different pain represented by those beads. I hoped and prayed I would not see anyone wearing white like myself.. As I moved over to the staging area and sat on the stairs, I could not help but notice a team of peope sobbing. I could only tell that they had new pain. That this was so fresh. It must have been aunts and uncles and friends, but the one person I could not take my eyes off of was the one I was certain would be mom. I tried to see if she wore white beads, but at the time I was not at the right angel. She didn’t sob, she kept her sunglasses on and sitting next to her took me back to the first few months of Joshua. Although you could not see the lump in her throat, I could feel it. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was, but I remembered the words people would say to me in those days and how they fell on deaf ears. The heart is not even close to ready to receive condolences or even suggestions of getting better. In fact during that time it finds them repulsive as it lingers in the last place your heart was with your child, and does not want to leave. Can’t leave, and would feel guilty to leave. She was me. Behind her glasses her eyes were closed, as if choking pain the excruciating pain. I could not help but stare. Then finally she turned towards me and a single strand of white bead joined us forever.
Tom and John are my hero’s. I am not certain they will ever understand how much they affected my life! They were there every time we needed something, riding there bikes all around Boston. Water bottles, Ice for my knee and even pumpkin seeds for Jen. Each time I saw them I became so excited, and sometimes they just were off their bikes cheering for us at a random corner or pointing out the route. Do they even understand that they were commissioned by God to look after me? Someday when they meet HIM, I can’t wait for HIM to tell them that they were doing His bidding. That they were loving the most love, caring the most care and selfless in a way that can only come from GOD. I am so not worthy. Joshua must have been so proud of these two guys. I bet he never knew that his mom would love an angel. OR did he? Joshua loved Tom so much; maybe he knew something I did not. In the last days of this death Joshua was so worried that I would stay with Tom. Look what he left me.
John, began the Life Is A Highway page with me. He might not know it, but it was he that inspired my excitement as it began to work and touch total strangers. Suddenly this wonderful man kept uplifting me and making comments and participating. I was shocked to be able to reach someone for who did not know Joshua or me. I never had a very clear understanding of how this facebook page would work or even if, and he made it work. My goal was 30 people and with his initial help it reached 100 in no time, as he suggesting the page to friends. He lit a fire that was pivotal in this journey for me. I remember one day, telling Tom “There is this amazingly loving man on my facebook page and I don’t know him” "His picture is creepy but he seems great". We sat down that night to look him up and it turned out, he was my best friend from high school’s husband! He was sent to me, this I know. From the moment I saw him, I loved him like a big brother. He used the facebook page to care for me and help me be strong enough to walk! MY angels are all around.
Danielle and Annabelle were a bless-ed surprise. Suddenly as we walked past the common I saw two little girls beaming with pride for their mommy. My heart broke open. I did not have to look for them, because I walked straight into them. That was the part I loved the best.
This past few months I struggled to figure out what Joshua’s Life Is A Highway page would be about. The idea of a scholarship or foundation has run around our minds. Would it just end? How would I keep it going? What would I fill its pages with? Last night when I saw the walk in 2011 I knew. Paula asked where she could put her money and I said “into next year” and she got all excited about fundraisers and such. So Life Is A Highway Team for Joshua Amaral will walk again!!!!!!!!!!!! I can only hope we are all present just the way we were last night. I loved last night.
To those who walked with us, thank you from the deepest place in my heart. Jen you add such laughter to every experience, Tiffany you have a great motivated spirit, Mom well what can I say, you are my partner in this eternal struggle, Alicia and Paula your came in right when we needed you….Tom and John, nothing I could say could touch what I feel for the both of you. You are true heroes, and even better is the fact that you will not hear anything of it.
This walk was a practice run; the Facebook page is in its earliest stages. Next year will be bigger, better and more efficient and put together I imagine. We have a year to raise the funds and prepare for NY and so we will build on what we put together in 3 months and honor Joshua again every year.
This blog has not been edited. I decided to just put it up as is.
Blessings,
Amanda
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