Death Wish

A few months before Joshua died, he sent me a list of directives. I have not shared this with anyone. I am guilt ridden at the fact that he was telling me he was leaving me and I did not see it. It was about each person he cared about or loathed. First he told me what he was doing or how he handled these people and then what I should do in the future. At the time I just thought he was growing up and being protective of me. I did not know he was guiding me after he was gone. I should have seen it when he insisted I marry Tom. He would not take no for an answer and frankly at the time I had no thoughts of being that serious…ever. Turns out Josh was also working on Tom in this same fashion. We had no idea he was leaving me in the arms of someone he respected. How stupid was I not to see this. “Promise me mom” he said. “Right now”. “He adores you, he makes you happy and he loves you more than anyone has”. I promised him because I wanted him to stop badgering me. A few short months later Josh was dead. I slipped into an emotional coma and that same person Joshua asked me to marry, was taking care of me as I lay in bed for 2 years. Saving my life. He fed me, be bathed me, he moved me closer to the cemetery and to Rockport so Danielle and Annabelle could see me” He saved my life. Joshua was right. The first thing I did was marry him. Now Joshua lives in us and it was the best decision I ever made.




“Get the girls” was the next thing he was insistent upon. After I left my second husband (yeah I’m a treasure) my daughters were taken from me violently. Many don’t know this but Joshua was the reason they were taken from me. You see in a court a nasty step-father who has been privy to a young childs pain can then go in and accuse him of being a danger to his sisters all the while knowing he was lying. It is called an ex parte. They were then removed from my home on those grounds. Joshua knew I was dying inside without them, but he did not know the details. He never found this out. It would have killed him inside. After his death I did exactly as he suggested. I kept my friends close and my enemies closer and in 2008 I got full custody of my two girls. Other people were interviewed in that process that Joshua mentioned to me.  I read over the interviews and realized just how dead on he was...That story has yet to be finished.





As I look back on the past few years I can see how each request of Joshua’s before he left has played out in my life. I am not able to post that message, as it would hurt many people and create what it is I am trying to remove from my life. As I succeed in doing what he suggests it has become clear how smart he was. How much he cared for me and how many things he was doing to care for me after he was gone. Recently I have been told a million times that I seem different. I have been looked at and people have tried to figure me out. Why they ask? The fact that they even ask makes no sense. The answer is Joshua. What he wanted for me and how far away from many people he asked me to get or how close he wanted me to be. How he knew who was good for me and who wasn’t.



I have one person left that Joshua adored more than life. She was his sweetest best friend, his partner in crime and truly the love of his heart. His sister. He told me what to do to keep close to her and it is not working. We are both in so much pain and filled with guilt that we are like oil and water when we are near each other. He said “mommy you are both so strong willed, one of you had to give in”. “Take care of her”. “Hug her more. Love her She needs you.” I am trying buddy. I am trying.