Thoughts

The Facebook page has 200 or more fans now. I count that as a major accomplishment and each time I see a new fan I get excited and hope that my son is proud of me. It is great to be able to see something I created, grow. I am certain that my self doubt as a mother has taken much of that pride away and left me with so much doubt that anything I affect might die. I have disected and tried very hard to make certain my parenting skills are the best they can be. I think that is just my nature to have to fix, and to DO something. What is a tragedy like losing a child, without lessons learned. In so many ways the silver linings are all around us, but I would rather have my son back home in his bed. I am uncertain of the amount needed to be raised. It has been several weeks and I am not really doing wonderful on the thousand. I have seen so many people concered with raising that much. I have many great ideas I will share, and we can see if they succeed or fail. I NEED to walk this for my son. It is the first real hope I have had in a while.

Yesterday I got my package in the mail from Out of The Darkness. I was so excited to find that they included a T-shirt. I am also excited that it is huge and I can wear it as a night shirt afterwards and remember the walk! I have been extremely emotional the past few days as I think the walk is re-opening some wounds that may not have healed. Yesterday I saw the line on the back of the t-shirt and thought, wow my son is reduced to a line on a shirt. Today I looked at the line and wondered how I could ever write Josh's name neatly enough on that line. You only get one chance in permanent marker. Then later yesterday I recieved an inbox of a very touching story (one of so many lately) from a wonderful girl I knew growing up and to top it all off, I checked this blog while I was in the bookstore and saw a follower. My heart lept. There is something about writing and someone reading what you write that can not be equaled. When I saw who my fan was, thinking maybe the person might have accidentally fanned....I found out it was my best friend and husband Tom. So needless to say I was in the bookstore weeping. This journey is changing my life, one person at a time. Joshua would be so honored.

Tonight a wonderful man emailed the FaceBook "life is a highway" page and told me all about his efforts in working out. It happened to be at the very moment I was indulging myself in a cookie and feeling awful about it. After I read how great he was doing , I felt an emmediate lift and realized I have to get back on track with my work outs....I have been having way to many allowances of cookies lately. If you are reading this, Thank You for the motivation. I hope to see you on the path.

Lastly one other thing that has deeply touched me, and more in my imagination and a bit of video are the luminary bags they give out to write someone's name on. I saw a video of a previous walk where those lighted candle bags lined the streets. I sobbed. I am not posotive how I will keep from crying the entire walk, especially walking along paved footpaths lined with candles for the deceased.

As those who have felt death tear at the very heart that beats within, they also know that they are able to walk the weary trail of life between today and eternity. It is a place where you look at those around you and you almost don't understand them anymore, where the speed of things seems to have picked up faster than anyone moves, just incase you miss something or lose someone else. You listen to interactions between parents and children or husbands and wives and you say to yourself or even them if you are like me"oh you should be so much kinder, they may not always be here". It is a blessing and a curse to keep a foot firmly in both places when each call to you. Those who knew you, do not know you any longer! There is no way to explain this. God bless all of you walking around trying to keep your attention focused on those you live with, while your very heart longs to be with the one you lost. I commend you for this.

Blessings,
Amanda